A reflection journal written by my colleague, a teacher.

REFLECTION JOURNAL 5

“TEACH: LEAD.CARE.INSPIRE.”
by Samuie Tarjalia


About two years ago, I contemplated a divorce from her. I almost did…..


Divorce?

July 10th, 2007 by etherealpainter

I met Teaching about ten years ago. We were full of passion when we first started. The romance was pure and innocent, one that I never thought I’d ever be in. After a year of courtship, we got engaged before finally deciding to sign on the dotted line. I figured back then that I was on the road towards some form of matrimonial bliss. I thought I was in heaven, well at least for a year I was. Friends saw how much I glowed. I reckon now that was just the ‘honeymoon period’. Fast forward the courtship, engagement and matrimonial vow, I gradually discovered the real depth of Teaching. She’s awesome but she has her flaws. I could live with that in the beginning but ten years later, I have a nagging feeling that I can no longer live with Teaching. Not when the bed no longer offers a place of comfort for the both of us, or that the home no longer offer a nest for uninterrupted respite. And peace. Teaching does not offer me the company that I want so badly to have. Sometimes she shifts me to a state of inner disequilibrium but I always hold my peace. Her tantrums, her rigid minds, her demands and fancies and the company that she keeps no longer appeal to me. I’m beginning to lose my sense of purpose with her. Yet, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to live without her.

After all, she’s my first love.

I’m contemplating a divorce. But, how will she take it? How will I take it? Will I be able to tell her that despite the divorce, she’d always be one of the torches that I’d hold dear in my heart? Or could it be that I’m simply a renegade?

I can feel her touch every waking moment. Sometimes in my dream. Teaching, while I contemplate on the fate of our intimate relationship, I’d like to dedicate this song (Sometimes When We Touch by Dan Hill) to you. I heard it over the radio this evening while eating pizza for dinner. I’m sorry I didn’t take you home today. Wherever you are, don’t come near me….. let me close my eyes so that I can hide. Hide from you….
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Sept 1, 2009.

I am still ‘legally married’ to Teaching. Today is our 12th Wedding Anniversary.

After the last contemplation, I decided to look into the possibilities of making the marriage work. In one of our violent fights back then, I remember slapping Teaching for her outrageously demanding ways in getting me to be involved – correction: OVERLY involved in her demands. She screams for attention at the oddest time of the day. She shouts and yells when things do not go right. She pinches when I forget the shopping list, or when I had overlooked her dates with the matron or the inspector. She screams ‘NO WAY!’ when I see failure beckoning and then she forces me to plough through the barrage of mental and emotional obstacles, with little regards for my feelings. She screams, ‘YES WAY!’ when I want to give up because possibilities are denied and then forces me to plough through the barrage of mental and emotional obstacles, with little regards for my feelings. She throws paper, files and indexes at me when she is annoyed that I did not treat her like a supermodel. She denies me my sleep when I cannot find the slightest ounce of energy in my vein to design her as perfectly as I should because I had spent the night before designing her cousin’s outfit for the quarterly tea-session. When the nannies gave me trouble and I wanted to go away, she labels me with judgement rendering me inadequate and incapable of being in control of the nannies. Teaching, in short, was horrendously abusive. I hated her!

I remember screaming at her. I remember yanking her hair out and slapping her across the face and forehead. I remember tearing and shredding her inner being to pieces until all that was left of Teaching was her skeletal frame. I remember dragging her out into the parade square amidst heavy rain, and slumped her in front of the flag posts as I bound her to it. I remember slapping her face hard, so hard until it fell forward, eyes half-shut. Then she looked up at me, with a faint quivering voice and muttered – ‘We cannot abandon the children’.

That was the clincher.

Will I live happily ever after with Teaching? I cannot tell and I will not attempt to. Life is not a fairy tale and I have no ways and desire to turn it into one. However, I know while I am still in union with Teaching, I have to make our realities matter and experience worth the while. It is my responsibilities. I have to look into many aspects of our total development – particularly now when it is about both the children AND their guardians, the ones whom these children spend most of their times with. Now, I have to think in terms of the largest good without compromising our short-term and long-term goals. In addition, we have our associates to think about too – the ones who bring in the funds for us to run programmes and activities for the children. All these things matter now. For me to be committed to Teaching, I have to always remember to ask myself the right questions in order to get the right answers while I continue to act and research on my practices and understand the way our marriage systems work.

Why?

Now, it is no longer about Teaching or me, but US – the children, their guardians, their future, their experience and their aspirations. It is about the commitment to coach, to mentor, to guide both the children and their guardians. It is about leading them to not just care for their learning experiences but to also inspire them to desire excellence. This is what my marriage with Teaching has transformed into over the last two years. This is the reason I chose to remain committed in my matrimonial bliss with her. Teaching and I are holding the educational Olympic relay torch. Over time, this torch will have to be passed down to the next generation who will take over the responsibilities of keeping the flames burning. Our disciplines have to grow.

Teaching and I, We, have to make sure that the flames do not simply burn, but scorch the children and their guardians, ALIVE.